ŽANETA VOLDÁNOVÁ

There is so much I could say about World Mental Health Day. Looking at the clock, I can see that I've only got 24 minutes left to write this... whatever it is. Pressure, hi, you're really the one to spend today with. By the way, by complete coincidence, YouTube has decided to play Lauren Cimorelli's Pressure for me at this very moment. How fitting. Anyway, my point is that even if I finish this after midnight, it will not be any less valid because what I want to say can be - and should be - applied to every day of the year. In fact, today's not even that different - just like people who are struggling with mental health issues are not that different from those who are not. But it's as good of a day as any to spread some awareness, pour out some hearts and reach out to some broken souls that are waiting to be fixed.

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To be honest, I have never hit rock bottom. I have never been diagnosed with any mental illness, I have never really wanted to die, and I have never completely lost hope. However, I have done things and felt emotions that are quite dangerously far from mental stability, let alone happiness. All of it has come from one simple reason - I have always wanted to be enough. At first for the others, which didn't really work at one point, but then I found my people and things got better. But later, I began to face a much harsher judge - a critical perfectionist who refused to settle for anything less but great... Myself. 

Yes, I seem to like driving myself crazy by expecting more than is necessary. It's not so bad anymore, but I've made myself do things that almost broke me down on the way to achieving perfection - or, I should say, acceptability. The problem has always been that once I found something good about me, I started to require extreme portions of it from myself. I used to eat way too little food because I thought my skinny body was something to be proud of. Stupid. I used to study harder than "normal" and torture myself with skipping food and sleep until I felt ready for the test or the exam or whatever, and I used to hate myself so much whenever my result was not good because I simply believed that it meant I was not good either. Idiotic. I used to... scratch that, I still give up my rare free time to help out other people because if they need me, it means I can't be as worthless as I repeatedly make myself believe I am, right? Of that I'm still proud and it's been rewarding, but just like the other two extremes I pursued in the past, it's not exactly helping me to be OK. I also keep myself busy all the time. Some people do that for money; I do it to mute the irritating voice trying to persuade me that in moments when I slow down and relax, I only live for myself, not for the others, and that's not enough.

I've clung to things unhealthy for my body and mind and I realise it now. Unfortunately, when a voice inside you keeps questioning your worth, it's difficult to silence it without any objective proof. A skinny body means fitting the beauty standard, and beauty is good. High scores and impressive grades mean being smart, and smart is good. Dedicating your time and energy to others is kind, and kind is good. Being productive and doing a lot of quality work leads to success, and success is good. And I desperately need to be good. Not for others. I have known for a long time now that I'm loved far more than I deserve...

See, here it comes again. And I swear I'm so much better now!

This really is the worst thing about it all. Like, I know that I've got the best people around me and that they really care about me, but then there's this annoying self-conscious inner me who goes like: "But why? What's there to like about you? You're like the least cool person around here, you barely have anything interesting to say..." and I simply go with that and stay quiet. It doesn't happen as frequently as it used to. To be fair, I've made big progress in being more outspoken, confident and tolerant towards my mistakes, and it's healed some of the scars which are the remains of me persistently hurting myself by expecting more from myself than I can handle.

I'm still not perfectly OK now, but ever since I wrote my latest book, Kaelyn's Clouds, I'm at a much happier place and I am much more forgiving to myself, which makes a huge difference, though there are still moments when my problems catch up with me and I simply collapse. This reminds me of my breakdown at a dance camp in Croatia this summer. I was triggered by something quite pointless that made me dissatisfied with myself and everything I have ever hated about myself began to flood my brain and I was in the state when all I could do was panic and cry. But that night, I decided to do something differently. I knew that if I'd stay in my room, alone, I'd cry for hours and feel broken for days, weeks or God knows how long, so for the first time ever, I just took my fucking crying face outside where my friends were sitting. And I didn't know what else to do and they probably didn't know what to do either because I simply didn't have the words to explain what was happening to me because not even I could actually understand it, so how could anyone else understand?

That's exactly why I'm writing this piece on mental health. I'm a freaking writer and I'd say that I'm pretty excellent with words (look at that confidence, omg!), but in situations like this, I don't know what to say. I'm not thinking clearly and mostly I realise it, but that doesn't mean I know what I'm feeling, let alone how I should put it into words. I dare to say that many people suffering from anxiety, insecurity, and similar issues feel the same way. Of course, sometimes we really don't want to talk about our problems, but sometimes we'd love to, yet we don't know how. 

Today - well, now it's yesterday already, to be exact - was World Mental Health Day. The word "world" gives me all sorts of emotions. What an enormous place the world is and what a big community there must be of people who are unhappy, scared, insecure, trapped, exhausted, tortured by their own mind. People who are kind and beautiful and who absolutely don't deserve to feel any pain. I know so many people who struggle with anxiety and all kinds of mental health issues and they are some of the nicest human beings on Earth, and it always breaks my heart to know that they're fighting these demons that live inside their heads. And there must be many other people whose struggles I don't even know of because they simply don't let the rest of the world find out about them. 

I am fully aware that you cannot magically turn everyone into a cheerful bundle of joy and bliss. What you always can do though is take the time and effort to make people around you feel special. Give them a compliment every time you like something they do. Reply to their sad posts with positive words to cheer them up. Smile at them reassuringly when they look lost and insecure. Listen when they have something to say, no matter how unimportant it might seem.

Be kind. Be kind to people who are happy and smiley - you will make them feel even happier and smile even harder. Be kind to people who are sad and quiet - your kindness might make a bigger difference than you'd ever guess. And - purely out of habit, I'm mentioning this last, but it should never actually come as the last item on your list of priorities - be kind to yourself - you will wake up feeling much better tomorrow morning if you can forgive yourself for those little mistakes tonight, and you will achieve much more tomorrow if you thank yourself for everything you have achieved today.

It's not easy, I know, but you're not in this on your own. The whole world is in it together, not only today/yesterday, but every day. Look around, smile and I guarantee that someone will smile back. If I see you around, I promise it will be me, and I will put my whole heart and soul into that smile. :)

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I love you, stay strong, you rock. x

#WorldMentalHealthDay2019